I don’t know what the fuck

was happening cause…

Every since I lost my mom I’ve been dark, and my days been even darker. As i wake up every day and take five pills a day so i can think straight. I can never feel when I’m out of control, but the minute i take my medicine i can feel a sense of calm. Unfortunately I’m dealing with Bipolar Depression Manic… Yeah… but since the new meds, its been a little better. Now i think about what I’m going to say before i say it, ( thank god) cause my mouth was some what reckless and it looked kind of silly trying to blame what comes out my mouth on me having a mental illness. Besides i was tired of telling people my business.. Like “Oh I’m sorry for what i said I’m suffering with Depression”.. Sounds silly ass fuck. Its like i was on a fuck your feelings and your thoughts rampage or like since my mom died, I’m mad so now you mad too. type shit.. Real Childish… So i knew then that i wasn’t happy. I knew something was wrong with me. I started having nightmares… me a grown ass women with a few kids, started having nightmares, yeah, lets talk about it!

I was truly having nightmares, Every time I would close my eyes i could see my mom legs shaking from the emergency medical team (EMT) doing cpr with the defibrillator, and her not responding. I use to dream i can see my mom, my grandma, and a couple other people i know that were all dead and gone, just sitting around drinking and not giving a fuck. They would never gave me any conversation, cause It was like i was outside looking into a snow globe at them.. Shit was weird ass fuck… and it was a constant dream. 

For some reason for a long time i just kept dreaming about dead people. I would dream that my mom was playing a game, hiding from me, in different state! Like (where in the world is carmen sandeigo) Every time i would get there they would say “You Just Missed Her” l would stand there like “How in D hell!” do i keep missing her, this shit bogus. Then i would wake up and think about it all day like i was literally hot on her trail, wtf is going on.

It started to seem like every time i go to sleep, that same annoying ass dream would start up from a different place. I think I’ve been every where around the world.. In my dreams.. But thanks to the new meds i dream of rainbows and unicorns…lol… Now that’s a good nights rest! 

Can anybody else relate??

(like share, comment, whats your illness, dont be scared to share this a safe place.)

Thanks for reading.. Come again..

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: